![]() Past 900.00zz gold, numbers display as 1.00E+31.It was the night of July 29th, 2015.I had just finished listening to the most recent Chooch podcast and I was chowing down on some wheat toast with strawberry jam. Usually I prefer grape, but we were out and I wasn’t jonesing hard enough to make any late-night jelly runs. I was browsing the front page of Steam, as I am wont to do, when something caught my eye. Under the “New Releases” section was a picture of some girl decked out in Egyptian garb with wings, animal ears, and what we in the business refer to as “BATs” better known as Big Anime Tiddies. The kind of 2D girl who makes you wish you spoke a little Japanese. The name of the game slapped on this lovely creature was Sakura Clicker. The Steam store search turned up a few more results for “Sakura,” but none of those girls had animal ears so I didn’t really care. At the time of downloading, Sakura Clicker had 44 reviews with a consensus of “Positive”. I ain’t much for knowing what to expect, so I decided to avoid the reviews and go in blind. I skipped the trailer as well, but the product page flaunted a lot of screenshots of more 2D babes in bear costumes. They looked like something you’d see at a furry rave, but with a little more skin and a lot less social stigma. I could tell I’d be spending a lot of quality time with Sakura Clicker. There it sat in my Steam library, parking itself right between Saints Row IV and Shadow Warrior Classic Redux with a splash image of a busty burgeoning bear babe benignly bothering my…sense of self-respect. Only problem is that I had class in the morning, and I knew if I started now I’d be spending all night with the sort-of animal girls of Sakura Clicker. Tomorrow, the lease on apartment renews and I have to pay my utility bill. I also have to buy groceries, put gas in my car, and catch up with reading for my summer classes. All that matters right now, in this moment, is my first experience with the free-to-play anime girl game Sakura Clicker. I expect nothing, except euphoria.īooting up the game, I had hoped for some exposition into the universe of the Sakura franchise. I needed an explanation for why these scantily clad young women were cavorting around in what I can only assume to be somewhere in Egypt. Are they on vacation? Are they starring in an anime reboot of Brendan Fraser’s 1999 blockbuster action film The Mummy? Regardless, I didn’t get the story I had hoped for, or even a menu for that matter. Sakura Clicker dropped me right into the action. I quickly figured out the mechanics for the game: click literally anywhere on the screen to send your enemies into the throes of orgas- I mean, reduce your enemies’ health to defeat them. Doing this gives you coins, which make the exact same sounds as Munny from the first two Kingdom Hearts games. My first look at the sprawling world of Sakura Clicker. The Steam page mentioned the game had English subtitles, but sadly, I wasn’t presented any translations for the small noises of pleasure or breathy Japanese exclamations. I couldn’t help but feel like I was missing something important. At the very least, Sakura Clicker keeps everything simple with the enemy names – regular enemies are referred to as their respective animals like Bear, Boar, and Anubis, whereas their boss versions are titled Big Bear, Big Boar, and Big Anubis. It’s worth noting these so-called “big” enemies are exactly the same size as their non-big counterparts. It took me a damn long time to realize that the blonde chick on the right is apparently the player character, even though she doesn’t actually do anything and her avatar in the menu has purple hair. I’d say she’s a strong female character, because apparently she’s strong enough to remain completely immobile for indefinite amounts of time. ![]() The developers took a bold move out of the Valve playbook in that she doesn’t say anything either, which I think really pays off and serves to enhance her character as the secondary object of sexualization. Of course, it turns out you can customize her too.
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